Greetings from Denny's in Evansville, IN
at 1:15 last night, I rolled into this town. It wasn't exactly on my way, but going about 10 miles out of my way to go where I know somebody is worth it in my book. I made pretty good timing considering I didn't leave until after 7:30p from Zeeland, MI... AND I made a wrong turn!
Anyway, yesterday was grand. It was great to see the video of Jeff and Chelsea's wedding and to celebrate with them (they were married in Iowa, where Chelsea is from). Matt (yes, the one from Hungary) was there, too, and I never expected that one year after getting back from Budapest, we would be united for this purpose. So crazy!!! but God sure does have plans for each of us.
The travel from Zeeland, MI to Evansville, IN was purely purposeful. The goal was to just GET there and get Indiana out of the way. The roads were interesting and became less and less populated as the night went on, which made it interesting. I managed to avoid hitting a HUGE deer... and survived stopping for gas in the middle of nowhere (it was sketchy like woah!).
Then I arrived. My "people" in Evansville, IN are actually people from Detroit. A bunch of DIRECTV technicians are down here working. I have never met them, but as with many, many of the technicians I worked with, we developed good friendships over the phone. I had planned to meet up with at least one of them just chill for a minute. Unfortunately, I arrived and my contact person didn't answer the phone. I get in contact with another technician and met him outside and chatted a bit. Because everyone seemed to be asleep, I decided I would just see if there are any rooms available and make plans for breakfast in the morning instead. And... that's when I heard those words:
*****
"I'm sorry, there are no rooms available."
I felt a bit like Mary and Joseph. I'd traveled a long way (okay, I didn't walk or ride a donkey, but it was still tiring!) and when I arrived, I found myself without a safe place to stay for the night. I was faced with a decision - drive although tired from motel to motel searching for an empty room.... or crash in the car. Well, friends, yes, I slept in the car. I folded down my seats and sweated away some Zzzz's while listening to people come and go from the hotel.
What a perfect way to begin the trip!
A wanderer without a home - this has more and more become reality for me. I will probably never "own" a home - or at least never have a clear understanding of what "home" means.
So, what does "home" mean? I'm at a point in my life where I don't feel like I have a home. Geographically, I live in Grand Rapids; I work in Kentwood; I was raised in Saranac... but I have often made the comment that Ang and I just re-signed our lease, making this the longest I've lived in one place since 2006. That's 5 years of moving every year. That's 5 years of never having a sense of permanency. That's 5 years of wandering.
Emotionally, a home is a place where I feel unconditionally loved, accepted for who I am, a sense of belonging and purpose... and a place where I just fit in.
This Denny's is not my home. The waitstaff are great, but I have been frustrated by the comments from other patrons. I probably stink a bit (no showers in my car :P), my hair is a mess, and I came to breakfast with my laptop instead of my family. I don't fit in here...
... but then again, I don't feel like I've fit in anywhere for the last year. One job made me angry all the time... the other made me emotionally tired, even though I love it. I fell out of love with myself and made decisions that have hurt. I've put myself in situations that don't prove my self-worth. I'm not HOME.
So, my pondering for the day, as I finish this coffee, load up on gas and hit the road toward Oklahoma City...
"How do I accept the place where I am as home?
How do I create a HOME environment for myself?
And if where I am now isn't my home, where IS my home?"
1 comment:
Defining "home" is hard. I think this is mostly due to the fact that home changes. When I was a kid I lived in many houses, until I found my first home when my mom married my stepdad and we became a working, blended family of six. I've since found homes in the single dorm room I lived in all 4 years at college, the state of Nebraska for graduate school, and I even have a home in New Mexico at a ranch I've twice visited. My parents moved from the house I grew up thirteen years in, and that house is now home; some of the same clocks and knick-knacks are there, and so are my parents and dogs. I've had moments where I've been siting in a place I've never been before and felt at home because I was content with myself and where I was. I've had moments where I've been sitting in my home, my room, and thought, "I want to go home." I've learned that sometimes this means home to good things in the past. I think home is where we are most comfortable, most basically ourselves.
Drive safe, T! You're amazing, and I'm jealous. :)
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