It seems like crossroads happen a lot in my life. Every few days or weeks or months, something happens that leads me down a new path, or at least lights up the dark path on which I was already treading. I can't complain, I rather enjoy new experiences and new adventures... to some extent.
The book of Exodus has taken on some new meaning for me over the last few months. I hope this blog post doesn't come out as a 10 page article highlighting every moment to which I can relate in that long journey, but I have felt impressed to write about a few of them.
I feel like Moses. I was never meant to be in a royal family. No, my mom didn't hide me or wrap me up and send me floating down the Grand River... at least, not that I remember. However, I was adopted into a family that I was not born into. Christ chose to save me not by anything I had done (at least Moses was cute!) and God has called me as His daughter, as His own. I don't deserve it and nor did Moses, but GRACE continues to flow out upon me just like that... each. and. every. day.
I've done some stuff. I've run away. I haven't married a goat-herder, but I've definitely hung out with some stink and filth (and while, yes, I always say that I like my friends "stinky," I'm not referring to my real friends).
It wasn't long ago that I felt the burn, the calling of God upon my life. I remember each experience of the calling and my own doubts along the way --- "I don't WANT to work with middle school kids." "uh... I don't speak Hungarian. I don't even know where Hungary is." "School just isn't my thing... and you want me to do what?!" It seems like every time that God has clearly spoken to me, I counter Him with a statement of not being good enough. Those examples I just gave you are some of the less personal responses. There have been doubts regarding my abilities about everything from looks to personality to fitness levels and even age. Just like Moses in Exodus 4:10, I keep trying to convince God that I'm just not qualified enough for His calling.
Just when I begin to accept God's responses (Exodus 4:11-12), I begin to feel something else. Power. I heard a speaker recently that joked about Moses throwing the rod on the ground then picking up the snake and how if it had been him, he would have played with that for a half hour : rod-snake-rod-snake "cool! look what I can do!" rod-snake-rod-snake, etc. It goes to our heads as if now that we're trusting God with our lives, we're so cool and we let that power, that pride, that glory go to OUR heads instead of where it belongs. That clicked with me. Put down my pride because it's not ME that turns the rod into a snake and back again. It's not me that provides for my every need. It's not me that calls the sun to rise and breeze to blow. It's not me. I must work on my humility.
Moving on...
Then we get the big assignment. We do all the hard labor filled with wonder and/or worry about whether or not it's worth it... when all of a sudden God parts a sea and all we can do is stand or fall and be amazed. Again, I find myself waiting for that big rush of wonder. It will come and probably just like Moses, it will come when I least expect it but most hope for it.
These experiences come and sometimes aren't even recognized. We think it's coincidence or something we did for ourselves. I don't want to live like that. Opposed to the complaints and frustrations expressed by the Israelites, I want to recognize and be grateful for the things God provides and for the things He's brought me through.
I look forward to the new beginnings that come my way so often. I pray that I will continue to see God in and through them, even when it feels like I've been wandering aimlessly and forever. The promise of His plan gives me hope.
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