So, this was a funny little exercise. In order to make me aware of my surroundings and to give you a little peek into my life, I explored my 5 senses.
I taste: the brisk, delicious 23 flavors of Dr. Pepper. I was sitting here, watching TV and realized I needed a bottle. It wasn't just a "want," but rather a "need." I also maybe got dressed just for that occasion. I maybe put on shoes and walked to the corner deli just for a bottle of Dr. Pepper. THAT is a strong need.
I see: a mess. My room is in a state of disarray. There are empty bottles on my bookshelf. I didn't drink them all last night... they just never went into the recycling. I see books that have gone unread. I see a bunch of dust that has collected on the shelf and on the tv stand. I see dirt on the floor that needs to be swept. I empty picture frames waiting to be filled. I see the new cute blue flats that I bought last weekend that I haven't worn yet. I both a heater and a fan because the weather can't make up its mind. I see boots that I'm about to post for sale because I never wore them. I see a pillow without a pillowcase because I'm lazy.
I hear: the TV and traffic outside. The TV is playing season 6 of The West Wing. It's something I've been indulging on during my 'staycation.' It's all episodes that I've seen before, but it's still just as good as the first time.
I smell: nothing, really. there are no smells arousing my nasal cavities as the moment. I should start putting my Scentsy back on now that the windows will be closed more often, but I haven't yet. Actually, as I sat here, I turned on my Scentsy. Amazing.
I feel: cold. Cold. COLD. Time to turn the heat on. I feel my new slippers on my feet. They're so soft and warm. It's much warmer here in this apartment than my last apartment, though, so I shouldn't complain.
Friday, December 5, 2014
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Why Do You Have So Little Faith?
I have a sincere confession for you. Recently, I nearly lost my faith. In fact, there were days after days that I wanted to lose my faith, wanted to just walk away from the God I love, the calling I have, the peace and joy that faith brings and all that is within the realm of having faith. I didn't want anything to do with it and I didn't even want to think about it.
It mostly stemmed from my partner and I making the hardest choice so far in our lives, after we both felt God calling us to make a permanent move to New York. For over a year, we'd been living in separate states. Prior to my leaving for an internship, we were discussing marriage and family and growing old together. Then I came here for what was supposed to be a one-year commitment, an internship, a temporary gig. Because I was offered an amazing position that I couldn't give up, I stayed. God's hand was in all of it, that is undeniable.
In that decision, I know (and am still pained with it) I crushed our aforementioned dreams. I knew that I needed to commit at least 3 years to this position before I could really move on and look for work elsewhere (read: back in Michigan). However, I truly felt that it was God was telling me to do. Upon making that decision, Eaic and I decided we were going to wait until my initial year was up to determine our next move. That way, if I was unhappy in my position or in my location, we could change it easier. Or, in that time, he could consider the options more regarding his future and our future together.
In May and June, we debated our options. We fought, we cried, we distanced ourselves mentally... but in the end, I felt like I was called to stay and he came. He saved up for this move. He left his job, he left his friends, he left his apartment, he left his school, he left. And even though our distance was over, the struggles were just beginning. He got here and immediately began his search for work. A week passed. 2 weeks passed. 3 weeks passed. Countless applications and resumes were sent out and not even one called him back. 4 weeks passed. 5 weeks passed. Finally, something came along. It wasn't what he wanted, but it was a little bit of money. Then it got bad - the job didn't work out. After 8 weeks of living in Staten Island, we were officially broke. His savings were nearly depleted and we were seriously looking the option of him moving back to Michigan. All that for nothing.
Are you hearing me, God? Do you see what's happening? You asked me to stay. I stayed. You asked him to leave. He left. I was angry. I was angry at myself. I was angry at my partner. I was angry at the people who had open positions but didn't hire him. I was angry at the irony of having a position he might really enjoy, only knowing that I could not be his supervisor (professionally or personally). I was angry, mostly, at God.
It was at this point that I actually started scoffing at the idea of faith. I couldn't fathom a God that would taunt us like this. I couldn't fathom a loving God leading me and him back into our battles with depression. I couldn't believe in a faith that didn't show up in my timing, in my plans.
Just a little over two months ago, Eaic told me that if he didn't find something or have a lead on something, he would be going back to Michigan on Sunday or Monday (September 21st or 22nd). He couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't blame him.
I want to pause in my story to share with you what one of my coworkers shared with me.
Matthew 6:30 - If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?
Matthew 8:26 - He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.
Matthew 14:31 - Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
Matthew 16:8 - Aware of their discussion, Jesus asked, “You of little faith, why are you talking among yourselves about having no bread?
Matthew 17:20 - He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”
10 weeks later, Eaic has been employed for 9 weeks. It's a temporary job with a strong possibility of getting hired in. It's the highest wage he's ever made even as a temp. It's only about a 30 minute drive. It's good.
The mood in our apartment has completely changed. We go on dates. We have upgraded to cable television. We have
Things are looking up.
We celebrated Thanksgiving with bunch of friends.
We are celebrating our anniversary tomorrow (3 years! OMG!).
Christmas and New Years will be happy days spent together.
Oh, us of so little faith. Oh, we who doubted God's providence, God's grace and God's promise to prosper and not harm us. Oh, silly silly us. God is good.
I
wanted
out
It mostly stemmed from my partner and I making the hardest choice so far in our lives, after we both felt God calling us to make a permanent move to New York. For over a year, we'd been living in separate states. Prior to my leaving for an internship, we were discussing marriage and family and growing old together. Then I came here for what was supposed to be a one-year commitment, an internship, a temporary gig. Because I was offered an amazing position that I couldn't give up, I stayed. God's hand was in all of it, that is undeniable.
In that decision, I know (and am still pained with it) I crushed our aforementioned dreams. I knew that I needed to commit at least 3 years to this position before I could really move on and look for work elsewhere (read: back in Michigan). However, I truly felt that it was God was telling me to do. Upon making that decision, Eaic and I decided we were going to wait until my initial year was up to determine our next move. That way, if I was unhappy in my position or in my location, we could change it easier. Or, in that time, he could consider the options more regarding his future and our future together.
In May and June, we debated our options. We fought, we cried, we distanced ourselves mentally... but in the end, I felt like I was called to stay and he came. He saved up for this move. He left his job, he left his friends, he left his apartment, he left his school, he left. And even though our distance was over, the struggles were just beginning. He got here and immediately began his search for work. A week passed. 2 weeks passed. 3 weeks passed. Countless applications and resumes were sent out and not even one called him back. 4 weeks passed. 5 weeks passed. Finally, something came along. It wasn't what he wanted, but it was a little bit of money. Then it got bad - the job didn't work out. After 8 weeks of living in Staten Island, we were officially broke. His savings were nearly depleted and we were seriously looking the option of him moving back to Michigan. All that for nothing.
Are you hearing me, God? Do you see what's happening? You asked me to stay. I stayed. You asked him to leave. He left. I was angry. I was angry at myself. I was angry at my partner. I was angry at the people who had open positions but didn't hire him. I was angry at the irony of having a position he might really enjoy, only knowing that I could not be his supervisor (professionally or personally). I was angry, mostly, at God.
It was at this point that I actually started scoffing at the idea of faith. I couldn't fathom a God that would taunt us like this. I couldn't fathom a loving God leading me and him back into our battles with depression. I couldn't believe in a faith that didn't show up in my timing, in my plans.
Just a little over two months ago, Eaic told me that if he didn't find something or have a lead on something, he would be going back to Michigan on Sunday or Monday (September 21st or 22nd). He couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't blame him.
I want to pause in my story to share with you what one of my coworkers shared with me.
Matthew 6:30 - If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?
Matthew 8:26 - He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.
Matthew 14:31 - Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
Matthew 16:8 - Aware of their discussion, Jesus asked, “You of little faith, why are you talking among yourselves about having no bread?
Matthew 17:20 - He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”
10 weeks later, Eaic has been employed for 9 weeks. It's a temporary job with a strong possibility of getting hired in. It's the highest wage he's ever made even as a temp. It's only about a 30 minute drive. It's good.
The mood in our apartment has completely changed. We go on dates. We have upgraded to cable television. We have
Things are looking up.
We celebrated Thanksgiving with bunch of friends.
We are celebrating our anniversary tomorrow (3 years! OMG!).
Christmas and New Years will be happy days spent together.
Oh, us of so little faith. Oh, we who doubted God's providence, God's grace and God's promise to prosper and not harm us. Oh, silly silly us. God is good.
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